4:20am: I open my eyes and ask God why He has allowed so much darkness in the world.
4:39am: I see if the energy is positive enough to make a phone call. If the energy isn’t just right and I make the phone call anyways, a black cat will appear. And if a black cat appears a dog will die. So the energy just has to be right.
5:01am: I call the Prime Minister of New Zealand and ask her for updates on her husband who I know for a fact is cheating on her after she ran a stop sign September 26, 2013 and it displeased the universe. Oh, Jacinda.
8:09am: I meditate, listening to what the spirits think I should do to start off the day.
10:10am: Listening to the spirits, I have the chefs burn rosemary in the kitchen so that I can harness enough spiritual energy to put a woman on the moon. If a woman is not on the moon by 2023, half of the female birds in the world will explode and become nothing but feathers.
11:35am: I cough.
11:36am: I worry that the cough is a bad sign. The last time I coughed (April 17, 1988) I had to sacrifice a pigeon and lay it outside my bathroom door while I bathed in cold salt water for five hours.
12:49pm: I draw out my plan as to how I must have the US military evacuate Afghanistan. I will channel the sedating energy from chloroform to distract the Taliban and sneak everyone else out. If the US military refuses to leave, I will use burnt cilantro to teleport everyone out of Afghanistan.
1:30pm: I call the Prime Minister of New Zealand during my lunch break to update her on my profound policy plans. For today, my lunch consists of dried apricots, asparagus, and a dollop of shrooms.
2:48pm: “Girlfriend, I will use love to cure cancer,” I say as I continue talking to Jacinda. I also explain to her how I will use hug coupons for the homeless and give out free dream catchers every Saturday between the hours of 2 and 5 am.
4:20pm: After hanging up on Jacinda, I take out my Tarot cards to decide what I should do next.
The reading hour:
The witching hour: Close my eyes as I transport my spirit via astral telepathic teleportation. I look to see the new reality that ensues. The sky is a vibrant purple and the birds whistle. Everyone holds cups of herbal teas and everyone is smiling.
7:30pm: I call back Jacinda but she doesn’t pick up so I assume she’s figured out about her husband’s affair. She has told me once before that sometimes I miss her because of “time zones,” but this concept is foreign to me as time is irrelevant in my dimension.
9:28pm: I collect all the grass in front of the White House in order to harness all the positive energy from the beads in my home. I digest what I’ve gathered and gargle salt water before I leave.
4:21am: I close my eyes.