A Eulogy

By D. Herrnstadt '24


We gather here today to mourn the passing of God. When He died quietly in a sleep-like state last Thursday, and the entire universe began collapsing in on itself, and all life started to end in an abrupt second, hope seemed lost forever.


It’s difficult to believe that it’s only been a week since dark matter seeped across every fiber of the space-time continuum, and existence, as a concept, was terminated. Or, it would have been a week, had time not ceased and crumbled to pieces, like an angry man squeezing a dry sandwich in his meaty fists.


But right now, we reflect on God’s life, and on what it meant. Those closest to Him knew God as a friend. A teacher. A Father. The 14-billion-time champion of the annual galactic all-staff baseball game, which was, honestly, a little unfair, because He’s, you know, God, so obviously He’ll win, because He can basically do whatever He wants.


But we’re not talking about that right now.


Before all of creation began shattering into a void of perpetual emptiness, those who knew God less intimately still experienced the power of His presence. Some even worshipped and prayed daily. It got to be a little weird for God, because everyone was always telling Him their problems, and He wasn’t a trained mental health professional or anything. Though, eventually, God started to care about a few of His worshippers, and He would help them out, but only the ones He liked.


God was also fairly progressive, maybe the most progressive God we’ve ever had. Obviously, He wasn’t perfect, but we have to judge His actions in the context of His time period. Like, during the Big Bang, women didn’t have rights because they didn’t exist, so you can’t really blame Him for gender inequality, because it wasn’t, like, a thing. The same goes for racism and homophobia and genocide and stuff.


God’s impact is resounding, and His legacy is strong. He will be missed, but His life was certainly not lived in vain.


Lastly—and I’ll say this fast, before we all disintegrate into everlasting nothingness—we’re going to have a quick luncheon in the lobby after the service. If you’re still a physical being, I hope to see you there!

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