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A Letter to Oprah (From the Desk of Tom Hanks)

M. Warshay '20

The following is a leaked memo from the office of Tom Hanks. It was slipped under Oprah

Winfrey’s front door in the days leading up to the 2020 Democratic primaries.

Hi Oprah,

I have a few thoughts on what our priorities should be if you decide to run in the next

presidential election. As I told David Geffen on David Geffen’s yacht, I am thrilled with the idea of running as your vice president in 2020. Over the course of my career, I’ve learned many things about this crazy world of ours. My platform, should you choose me as your VP, is as follows:

Freedom of the press is the cornerstone of our democracy; an informed electorate is important especially when our government is actively lying about the Vietnam War.

If Robert McNamara is still alive, I will imprison him. If The Washington Post is still around, I will award it some sort of medal. If there is no such thing as a medal for journalism, I will create one. It’s time to set things right.

Better protections for cargo ship captains and their crew from pirates.

Our seas are crawling with Somalian pirates. As far as I know, this is why David Geffen’s yacht

is still anchored in Miami. Appoint more sweet, simple-minded Southern folk.

I have been led to believe that these people are wiser than we give them credit for. It would also get us the Rust Belt vote, which can’t hurt.

Better search and rescue teams for stranded FedEx pilots.

People shouldn’t be afraid of going to do their jobs and they should not fear the possibility of crashing and only having a volleyball to keep them company, causing the inevitable destruction of their marriages. I cannot stress that last point enough.

Investigations into adults that are scaled-up children.

I don’t know how many of these people exist, but they sure don’t pay taxes.

Investigations into toys that are alive.

These things don’t pay taxes, either.

Better maintenance checking on space shuttles.

We should not send anyone into space without thoroughly checking everything on the space

craft for possible disasters. Also radar for birds – they are dangerous for pilots who, even

though they probably could have made it to an airport if they were ready for such a scenario,

have to act fast and think on their feet. Or maybe we could just defund NASA.

An FBI investigation of the Catholic Church, effective immediately.

Who knows what they’re hiding.

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