A List of Things to Not Cry Over

By W. Halsted '23

Art by I. Williams '21

  • Spilt milk. Chins up, girls! There’s always more milk in the fridge.

  • Low grades. Please don’t cry, honey. You’ll still get into college. Struggling for a C means more than breezing by with an A and regardless, I’ll always be proud of you! 

  • Unwanted holiday gifts. I’m sure you’ll learn to appreciate those socks more — I mean, I absolutely loved the CookingFriend Ultra Power 6.5-Speed Semi-Automatic Blender (Batteries Not Included) that your father got me. It’s not like I haven’t had time to cook a family dinner in years. I can barely carve out time for myself. 

  • The underwear you find in your bed, which definitely isn’t yours. What is this? Please don’t lie to me, it’s been bothering me all day.

  • College rejection letters. Well, maybe that C wasn’t great. 

  • Weekend “business” trips to Fiji. Harry, you were fired three years ago. Why do you still go away every month? Oh God, Harry. Tell me it isn’t true. 

  • Death. Grandma lived a good life, kids.

  • Your husband’s mistress, Nadia. You’ve ruined twenty years of marriage, Harry. No, I won’t listen. You’re disgusting. She’s our daughter’s age!

  • The Office leaving Netflix. They’re still on DVD.

  • Tainted wedding vows. Did you even mean what you said at our wedding? I’ll never trust you again. You brought her into our bed! 

  • The divorce proceedings. Fuck you, Harry. You’ve soiled my pride and destroyed my happiness, at least let me have the kids. 

  • Losing the kids. Girls, mommy loves you. I’ll see you soon, I promise. 

  • Your dead ex-husband. He’s dead, you say? How? Thirty-eight puncture wounds straight to the testicles? What a shame. 

  • Spilt “milk.”