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Ask Arnold (With Arnold Jug)

Dear Arnold,

I’m a freshman, and I’m worried about my roommate. We don’t really get along, which I understand is pretty normal for people living together for the first time. The thing is, I don’t know if I’m overreacting or if I should be worried about the rest of the year. I just have a few questions about what I should do.

You’ve come to the right place my son. Shoot.

Well, is it normal for local kids to go home really often? I don’t mind him not being here, but he just leaves and shows up without any warning. He’s from Providence, and sometimes he’ll mumble something about going to Federal Hill but usually he just disappears. Sometimes he doesn’t come back for three or four days. Which like, free single, not complaining, but it’s worrying.

My friend, I think I may know your roommate. I myself spend quite a bit of time in Federal Hill. It’s family business, don’t concern yourself with what. Family is important to him as it should be to you. Let the man come and go as he pleases.

But it’s more than that. He wears normal clothing to class, but then comes back before dinner and puts on a tuxedo. Do you own a tuxedo? I don’t own a tuxedo. He owns five. I left the window open on a rainy night and he screamed at me for letting the cloth get wrinkled. It’s my room too, I should be able to open the window.

Yes I own tuxedos, I like fashion. Maybe drop that dumb Abercrombie nonsense you wore in high school and get some class. You think you can show up to my daughter’s wedding in that? You most certainly cannot. The man should not be punished for having more taste than you, close the window for goodness sake. What else?

Well, I can’t prove this is him, but the showers keep getting clogged and I swear it’s with hair grease. Now these showers see a lot, they’re built for college students, but to get clogged this often? That’s a lot of hair grease.

If you don’t take care of your hair what do you expect to accomplish in this world? My friend, the more I hear the more I think the problem is not with your fine roommate but with you yourself. I am not the man to judge you sight unseen, but you my friend could use some more class. Is it just his clothing that bothers you?

Our room also smells like garlic. All. The. Time. That one I don’t mind so much, it’s just that sometimes I don’t want our room to smell like Silvio Berlusconi in aerosol form. I asked him about it though and he just laughed and said “forget about it, little Joey”. My name is Peter.

Garlic is delicious little Joey, so how about you shut your pretty little mouth before I shut it for you. I’m sorry Joey, that’s too harsh of me. Forgive me. But there are worse things that could happen to you than a smelly room. Much worse.

The last thing is he talks about fish a lot. I don’t really know what it’s about since I don’t think we’re allowed to have pets. I think maybe they’re emotional support animals or something. He’s always talking about them helping him sleep or something. I checked the ResLife files for an animal waiver for Antonio Marcobelinelli D’Antonio and didn’t find anything.

So you’re a snoop now too, Joey? If you don’t begin to mind your own business rather than business that is not yours you may find yourself with your own emotional support fishes to sleep with. I do not think you want that little Joey. Not one bit.

So what should I do?

I think if you know what’s good for you, you’ll stop asking so many questions. Your roommate is a busy man who does not need you getting in his way as he tries to live his own life. And do not let me catch you around Federal Hill without the proper attire. To sum it up for you in one word, little Joey, fugetaboutit.


Arnold Jug

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