CNN Anchor John King’s Election Coverage Sign-Ons

By D. Herrnstadt '24


10/3, 7:00 p.m.: I’m John King with CNN, and this is the Race to 270.


10/3, 7:30 p.m.: I’m John King with CNN, and let’s fucking do this, America.


10/4, 1:00 a.m.: I’m John King with CNN, and I’m exclusively going to speak with the inflection of a 1950s candy shop owner.


10/4, 12:00 p.m.: I’m John King with CNN, and my colleague Jake Tapper is not hotter than me.


10/4, 12:30 p.m.: I’m John King with CNN, and The New York Times is not hotter than me.


10/4, 11:47 p.m.: I’m John King with CNN, and I’m starting to give off mad substitute teacher energy.


10/5, 3:12 a.m.: I’m John King with CNN, and I’m running on nothing but caffeine and impartiality.


10/5, 9:00 a.m.: I’m John King with CNN, and I really have to pee right now.


10/5, 6:26 p.m.: I’m John King with CNN, and when I started reporting on this race, my hair was a glorious chestnut brown.


10/6, 5:34 p.m.: I’m John King with CNN, and I’m sexually attracted to this smartboard.


10/6, 10:10 p.m.: I’m John King with CNN, and can someone give me a fucking chair?


10/7, 7:43 a.m.: I’m John King with CNN, and I’m currently emulating Harry Truman on cocaine.


10/7, 8:15 a.m.: I’m John King with CNN, and I could use some cocaine.


10/7, 8:16 a.m.: I’m John King with CNN, and sorry, that was inappropriate.


10/7, 11:22 a.m.: I’m John King with CNN, and I don’t need sleep. I don’t need love. I don’t need food or water, or even oxygen. All I need is a newsroom, an evolving journalism industry, and a whole lotta gumption.


10/7, 11:24 a.m.: I’m John King with CNN, and get ready for a federal mask mandate, wenches!


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