Drinking Games for the 1%

By A. Jones '21


Nothing beats a stiff drink with friends after a long week. But bars are so passé, your high school friends are so poor, and you’re all out of blow! Worry not, here are four drinking games you can play to liven up your Friday nights.


1.Evade

Object

  • Your goal is to evade the IRS.


Preparation

  • Distribute a deck of cards, and prepare a set of angel costumes (up to 6) and a devil costume (1)


The Play

  • Players go around the room and take one shot for each of their parents’ successful tax evasions in the past 10 years. Add half-shot if unsuccessful, or if resulted in an audit.

  • Now that everyone is dreadfully drunk, whomever has had the most becomes “the IRS” (ack!) and must don the devil costume to go around stealing the good peoples’ (rest of the players, now angels) hard-earned playing cards.

  • The good people must “evade” the IRS by hiding their playing cards around the room, for example, in their great aunt’s priceless Swiss cuckoo clock, or between the stacks of papers on their dad’s desk marked “PANAMA, DO NOT OPEN.”

  • If the IRS finds your playing cards (boo!) drink half a shot and everybody not playing “Evade” has to drink 5, or 6, or really however many shots the losing player thinks is appropriate. The game ends when all the cards are found or the IRS is EMS’d (yay!), at which point all those dressed as angels receive a healthy card bonus.


2. Target Practice

Object

  • Hit the targets.


Preparation

  • Prepare your firearms. Your father’s safe is easily unlocked with a little maternal-emotion-manipulation.

  • Do not drink. Let’s be clear that the simultaneous use of firearms and abuse of alcohol is neither encouraged nor condoned by the writers of this list and remains unlawful in all fifty United States and Puerto Rico…

  • However, seeing as you are above the law, drink up.


The Play

  • Have your under-butler lob tennis balls, clay pigeons, and flesh pigeons in your line of sight. For every successful hit, your competitor (Damian III) must drink a shot of his choosing. For every hit to your under-butler, 2 shots and a replacement fee of $50.


3. Beer Golf

Object

  • You know the rules. Watch out for mother’s crystalware when you’re up on the table.


4. The Hunt

Object

  • Hunt.


Preparation

  • Years of being raised right.


The Play

  • Socialists are on the loose, and America needs a savior.

  • Drink a neat double Macallan Fine 1926. Do not wince, even if you feel the need to.

  • Drink another.

  • Wince, you earned it.

  • Stumble out of your frat house.

  • Call out to a passerby, say the word “healthcare” and vomit. Good point.

  • Call your mother.

  • Do not cry, father is on the line, and you haven’t earned it.

  • Hang up.

  • Now that mother is in the servant’s chamber, call her again, she’ll know what to do.

  • Cry.

  • Wonder what unemployment must be like.

  • Cry (and look around to make sure people see).

  • Oh! Socialists… Right… Um...

  • Get back up.

  • Throw a stick.

  • Yeah, well done. That was dope.

  • Pat your back.

  • Continue to live a life free of normal consequence


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Brown University, Providence, RI

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