Eco-Tips For the Apocalypse: Advice From ‘The End Times’

O. Rousseau '21


Hi Mary!


BIG fan of your column. I’m a mom of three from California and with the drought kicking me and the old dust bowl’s b*tt, I wanted to know if you could offer up any of your classic hot tips for this (too) hot earth (ha!) to help the planet at home without it being too much of a change-up for my family’s daily routine?

Love!

Scavenging in Sacramento


Hi there, Scavenging in Sacramento! Thanks for writing in! I’ve compiled a few tips I hope you and the fam-jam will absolutely love that make being an eco-friendly gal easy as pie, if you’re old enough to remember what pie used to be like.


1. Reduce, reuse, recycle

The simple adage still holds true. Nothing says “I love mother Gaia” like adventuring out into the wasteland and reusing still incandescent nuclear shrapnel to power your minivan oven. “How does it glow?” “Why is it hot?” “Did my family suffer in the blast wave?” Stop that! Who knows and who cares! Now run back to your dirt ditch before the sun rises and they come out.


2. Use less energy

Electric, shmelectric! Kiss that bulb bye-bye and delight in the light from oil, not coil! A clever mom always has a trick up her sleeve, and with electricity long forgotten and all hope of rebuilding a functioning society extinguished, we can’t forget to dip in the old idea bucket. Whale oil burns clean, and with all the whales washing up on steadily thinner shorelines there’s a market surplus! And with no unified currency, it’s literally never been cheaper! This one’s super easy, just don’t forget to turn that lamp off when you leave the room. These days darkness is safer anyways… Next tip!


3. Eat green

Too many people forget that meat has more than a moral cost — it hurts our beloved planet too. So put your water where your mouth is, and not in those of the d*rn irradiated children you’ve been farming for food. We all know human meat tastes best, but with our earth on its last legs everyone needs to take a little responsibility. So, put them down now, enjoy this final orgy of succulent flesh, and hunker down for the glowing green veggie marathon of the nuclear winter.


4. Use less water

Not only are these precious droplets of life-giving liquid costing you your moral fiber (because let’s face it, we all die a little inside when we trade sexual favors for water at the land pirate Dismal Creek outpost), they’re also costing all of us a h*ck of a lot too. You can only guzzle urine for so long, but by using this next ti— wait… you’re not still watering those children of yours, are you? Christ! It’s a shame, really! I liked you, Scavenging in Sacramento. Well, you know how this goes. I’m sorry but I’m gonna have to give you up to them now.


Lots of love,

Mary


Eco-Tips for the Apocalypse is The End Times’ advice column for the desperately green. Send us your questions by any means possible, and don’t worry, we’ll never use your name.

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