Every Baseball Rule I Can Remember

By O. Rousseau '21

Art by S. Reece '20

  1. If they catch it after you hit it, you’re out.

  2. Just because you switch from batting to catching does not mean you’ve changed teams. It’s just like that.

  3. Having what my mom calls “delicate baby-butt soft hands” is allowed since it does not give you a tactical advantage.

  4. Having your mom call your hands “delicate” and then kissing them really fast in front of the rest of the team is allowed even though it’s a tactical disadvantage.

  5. Nicknames are allowed. For example, “bitch hands.”

  6. After every bad play you make, the rest of the team must yell obscenities at you because you are dirt, you are scum, you are unloved, and you are unwanted. Does not apply to other players. Also applies to good plays.

  7. One in the hand is worth two in the bush. Catching the ball while at bat, however, is the only situation where this is not the case and you will be yelled at. Same goes for “biting the bullet.”

  8. In extraneous circumstances, and (crucially) if both teams come to a mutual consensus, the Little League permits players on opposing teams to wear the same colors, so long as the jerseys read “BITCH HANDS” and feature an image of you at the practice where you got hit above the cup after it slipped down in your new pants and you cried and ruined your new pants.

  9. Just have fun!


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