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Every Time I Supported Women Today

By B. Doyle '21

7:59 a.m. - Smiled at Jenny Slate tweet.

8:01 a.m. - Retweeted Jenny Slate.

8:29 a.m. - Reminded Uber driver that she deserved a real job.

10:06 a.m. - Did not even think about barista’s incredible cleavage.

10:08 a.m. - Informed barista she would be even more beautiful if she took off all that makeup. (Unless there’s acne under there, which is really more of a medical issue and should be left up to her doctor.)

10:11 a.m. - Did not even think about barista’s incredible cleavage again.

11:34 a.m. - Shook head and said, “Yeah, some guys on Tinder are like that.” And then said “Some” louder, to make it clear that I wasn’t like that.

2:06 p.m. - Empathized with coworker’s apparent PMS by loudly describing how big my kidney stones were.

4:45 p.m. - Rolled eyes at Dave’s joke about fat women, and the hilarious sounds they make.

7:12 p.m. - Retweeted Jenny Slate two more times.

11:02 p.m. - Masturbated to vaguely sensual shapes in imagination instead of funneling more of my paycheck into Pornhub’s evil coffers.

11:04 p.m. - Added the barista on Facebook.

11:39 p.m. - Went and woke mom up to tell her about all the women I supported today.

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