By Alumnus Charlie Stewart '20
You can call me Webbins. Most folks don’t know my name, and I like to keep it like that. You see, I work in the shadows. I watch the watchmen. I do the work no-one else can stomach. I am the man who cleans the webs up after Spider-Man.
Yours truly started cleaning up after Spider-Man back in ’79. You couldn’t walk five feet in the City back then without getting stuck in a sticky batch of Man-web. Crime was only falling ‘cos no-one could get out their front doors. Crime only increased again when every man, woman and child was given a city-issued machete to cut themselves out of the webs they’d get stuck in on their commute.
Like any New Yorker, I’m proud of my city. So, I picked up my broom and mop and got to work. I’d follow our friendly neighborhood webslinger from block to block, cleaning up the trails of web he’d left behind catching crooks. Well, forty years later, Disney dropped Spider-Man from the MCU. He may have got his job back, but the same can’t be said for ol’ Webbins. I like to look on the bright side, so I’m taking this opportunity to provide a new perspective for the public by imparting some of the things I learned over the years. Here are five fun facts with me, Webbins, the old man who cleans up the webs after Spider-Man.
1) Spider-Man took up his heroic persona after seeing a spider call the cops on a man robbing a 7/11:
Spider-Man wasn’t always known as Spider-Man. He was born a simple -Man, like you or me, Webbins. That all changed the fateful day he saw a spider call the cops on a man robbing a 7/11. Seeing that even the smallest creature could directly aid the NYPD, he was inspired to dress up in their favorite colors, red and blue. And to fight scientists.
2) In Avengers: Infinity War, when Stan Lee is playing the bus driver in his cameo, he’s actually playing me, Webbins, the man who cleans the webs up after Spider-Man:
This one is pretty self-explanatory. Stan Lee always wanted to sell my story, but I told him to his face, Webbins ain’t for sale. You can imagine how mad I was when I saw him playing me in Infinity War. Let what happened to that old coot next stand as a warning. Nobody fucks with Webbins.
3) I wasn’t in Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse, as I was busy cleaning up after what must have been at least six Spider-People:
Back in my day we just had the one, and even him we all had to share. Seems everyone and their meemaw’s a Spider- these days. There’s only one Webbins.
4) Spider-Man has remained a teenage boy this entire time, whereas the ravages of time have taken their cruel toll on poor old Webbins:
Spider-Man is a sort of age-less boy-child. A real Peter Pan type. I hoped some of that fairy dust might rub off on me over the years, but alas, I’ve actually grown older quicker than even the average Man-Man.
5) Spider-Man’s web dissolves the criminals he catches into an edible liquid goop, which he returns to drink at night. Their muffled cries echo through the winding caverns of my soul.
Well, that’s it. That’s all my facts. What now for old Webbins you ask? Mind your own business.