Guidelines for Catholic School Sex Ed

By O. Ryan '23

  1. It is very important for the principal to choose the right sex ed teacher. The principal should first ask among the clergy who would be most comfortable leading such a class. Any priest who exhibits too much familiarity or expertise concerning the material should be placed on sick leave and transferred to another parish.

  2. The educator should start the class by telling the students that the urges and feelings they have been experiencing lately are perfectly normal for a disgusting sinner their age.

  3. The subject of contraception should be brought up towards the beginning of the session to get state education requirements out of the way. The educator should proceed with caution. If a condom demonstration must take place, the object used as a substitute phallus should always be a crucifix. When rolling the condom on, it will be caught on the arms of the cross and rip, teaching the students that man’s seed shall not be spilt in the vain pursuit of carnal pleasures.

  4. It should be repeatedly said throughout the lesson that sex does not lead to happiness, as true happiness can only be achieved through living in accordance with the Lord’s laws. During this point, the educator should try to hide the fact that they and their partner have not had sex in months (not applicable, in theory, if educator is member of clergy).

  5. The students should be taught as little reproductive anatomy as possible. Firstly, because doing so will only encourage sexual promiscuity. Secondly, because this would be difficult given most educators leading the class attended Catholic school themselves and consequently have little knowledge of the subject.

  6. The educator must emphasize that abstinence is the only acceptable way to avoid pregnancy. The educator can frame abstinence as the “cool” option by reminding the students that Jesus died a virgin and he’s, like, our favorite.

  7. In keeping with the times, the educator should mention that being gay is okay. However, when saying this, the educator should appear very uncomfortable in a way that suggests that it is not, in fact, okay.

  8. The educator should advise the boy students that they should pray for God’s mercy any time they become aroused. The educator should be sure to include the fact that their prayerful kneeling will also be helpful in hiding their arousal.

  9. The educator should emphasize for the girl students that sleeping around is sinful. Even though Jesus forgave Mary Magdalene the harlot, none of them are as hot as Mary Magdalene.

  10. Once the above guidelines have been followed, the educator has fulfilled their duties. As with all classes, the session should end with the educator leading the students in a prayer asking God to forgive them for having genitalia.

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