How to Know if You're Ugly

S. Zylberfuden '22


We all wonder to ourselves: I don’t think I’m ugly... but... do other people think I’m ugly? Now, if you’re not one to care about what other people think, more power to you. But if you’re anything like me, you think to yourself, - “Oh my god, I’m ugly!”- as you walk past your baby cousin who stares at you with a disgusted expression for just a little too long. If that situation applies to you, here are some signs that you are definitely ugly.


1. When people say you look like a celebrity but that celebrity is not attractive. (See - Steve Buscemi, Freddy Krueger, the Grim Reaper, your cousin Josie, etc.)


2. When someone asks if anyone will accompany them to lunch, an event, or a workshop, and you volunteer to go but then they say, “Anyone else?” Obviously, this isn’t because they just want to split an Uber with more people; it’s because you’re ugly.


3. When someone compliments something that has to do with your personality. The next time anyone tells you, “Aw you’re so sweet,” or “You’re so smart,” it means they don’t like your looks, and that, therefore, you must be ugly.


4. When someone leaves you on read on Snapchat. Clearly, that means they can’t stand your face and want to give you a hint.


5. When your middle school bully, Tim, calls you ugly, and nobody laughs or says anything because it’s true.


6. When Tim... I mean someone... calls you ugly, and every- body immediately jumps to your defense. Again, it’s because it’s true. For example, if Tim says “you’re honestly sooo fun- ny-looking like you look like a chipmunk,” and then everyone else says “oh my god Tim that is not nice,” that means you are ugly.


7. When your baby cousin is startled when she first sees you. Either you actually startled her, or you’re ugly.


8. When you hold your baby cousin and she starts crying. It’s not because she wants to be breastfed by her mother or needs another nap. It’s because you’re ugly.


9. When that one guy gives you a dirty look after you cut in front of them in the sandwich line to chat with your friends. He’s not genuinely pissed that he has to wait that much longer to eat his food. He thinks you’re ugly. Because you are.


10. When someone speed walks past you on the street. It’s not because you walk extremely slow while contemplating your ugliness and self-esteem or lack thereof. It’s because you. are. ugly.


DISCLAIMER: There’s just no way around being ugly. If these symptoms apply to you, chances are, you’re ugly. But there are some ways to live through it. Over my short life, I’ve learned that the key to feeling attractive is confidence, and telling Tim and Josie that they’re uglier than you anyways.

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