art by S. Moore ’21
Stretch It’s so important to stretch before and after the game — you don’t want to pull a muscle! If you do, that could be it for your season. Don’t let your team down by being lazy and failing to complete your stretches. Your duties don’t end when the buzzer sounds; this is a full-time job!
Clean Yourself Up After a game full of timeouts and a hefty investment of your blood, sweat, and tears, you’re going to want to shower and put on something nice. Well, you can’t do that until you gather all the players’ sweaty clothes. But after the players leave, definitely get around to that whole showering thing. Jennifer will never take you back looking and smelling the way you do after a game.
Listen to Your “Post-game” Playlist You’re going to need one if you want to stay in this business. It’s too much to go from such a high at the game, putting your life on the line to bring joy to the fans, and then back to normal life. You need a buffer and the playlist is perfect for that. I suggest starting and ending your playlist with “Free To Be… Be You and Me” by Marlo Thomas and Friends. After an entire game of people loving you for your costume and character, this song reminds you that it is O.K. to be yourself! Even when most of what you do off the court doesn’t mean that much.
Buy Eggs You will need the extra protein. You should be working out with a tight regimen if you want to maintain your status in the mascot world. Go to the market on the way home. It’s worth it for the protein and the possibility of running into Jennifer and her new boyfriend with a “real job” so you can show her how great you’re doing! Also, we both know being a mascot brings joy to dozens of people while Jennifer’s new boyfriend can only treat one patient at a time.
Clean the Suit Be professional. Take care of your tool. In the world of mascotting, a player is only as good as his or her costume. Growing up showing off your talents at the local courts, only able to dream of making it to the big leagues, and Jennifer repeatedly saying it’s not a real job has probably led you to think of it as a hobby. It’s time to change your mindset. It’s a job. Treat it like one.
Watch Transformers Even big and strong athletes like mascots get emotional, and when Jennifer rejects you again, just watch this movie for a good cry while drinking a glass of eggs like Rocky. It’s nice to know that even Shia has girl trouble. With a job as demanding as yours or Shia’s, it sometimes feels like you’re immune to normal emotions. So it’s alright to cry. Really. Rosey Grier said so.
Get Some Good Sleep for Practice in the Morning No matter how many times the team’s coach or owner says you don’t have to go to practice because there is “nothing for you to practice, all you do is wave,” show them you care by continually being the first to arrive and last to leave.
Wear the Full Costume on the Way to Work If you have a rejection hangover from the night before, just remember you can put on the bear head and nobody on the subway will see you cry on your way to work again!