From alumnus K. Roberts '00
You got into Brown because you were one of the best – one of the smartest, most capable, most promising. What now though? In the era of COVID-19, are you still elite? Or… are you walking around with a facemask so flimsy, it’s only a safeguard against anyone getting the idea that you’re safe?
Steps to stay on top while you stay at home
Do not despair. Even in this time of crisis, you can still be best, because you have a natural ability. Take any of these steps to ensure your economic viability and reestablish your stake in success moving forward:
Contact leaders in the pangolin, bat, and snake trafficking industries to see how you can help with reputation management.
Create a prototype for a virtual personal electric fence that shocks anyone who gets within six feet of the wearer.
Skip to the next generation of self-defense/offense equipment with your launch of the world’s first 4D-printed guns.
Coordinate with the CIA to reopen MKUltra and test COVID-19 treatment via large amounts of LSD (with subjects quarantined in padded cells, per usual).
How I can help if you’re a novel bottom-feeder
Those are just a few ideas. It’s time to brainstorm. It’s time to create lightning with your brain and be a little less concerned about how many “hikers” (everyday thoughts) you electrocute.
Because look, you may have problems. Maybe you aren’t the best anymore. Maybe you’re a bottom-feeder now. Maybe you’re a flounder. Or a haddock. But very possibly an eel.
Are you lost, swimming around with a weird snaky body, unsure which way to turn? What you need is real help that only a professional life coach can provide. And don’t worry about the money: I can take cuts of future student loan payments.
And yes, I do also sell drugs (mood-altering, mind-altering, and even math-altering varieties), but I try to keep those two businesses separate. I have two business cards and everything. They even have different names on them.
My point is that I can help, especially with the LSD thing and accessing the additional dimension. You’d be surprised how easy it is to inject another dimension into rainbow-colored AK-47s that shoot gumdrops.
Kent Roberts was the editor-in-chief of the Jug in 1999. He has regularly contributed to The Onion and is currently shopping the manuscript of his second book, Kentbook, which is based on a publication he started at Brown. He can be reached at email@example.com.