PepsiCo Would Like to Apologize

B. Doyle '21


Dear beloved families of Hot Teens,


We regret to inform you that Hot Teen Stacy, Hot Teen Brett, and Hot Teen Emma passed away last evening during the filming of PepsiTM Ad Spot #368. Their work for PepsiCo was valued.


At this time, we would like to make it clear that the production crew of PepsiTM Ad Spot

#368 met all safety standards of the PepsiCo Safety Manual. We would even make the

argument, although not legally, that PepsiCo went above and beyond the call of duty to maintain safe conditions for the Hot Teens. Technically speaking, this was PepsiCo’s safest television production to date.


We at PepsiCo would like to acknowledge the controversy surrounding the Pepsi Pool,

although we maintain the position that it is not technically illegal to fill an Olympic-sized

swimming pool with crisp, refreshing Pepsi. Those bills never made it past the Senate.


Contrary to medical speculation, the cysts developed by the Hot Teens were NOT a

result of their featured skinny dips in the Pepsi Pool, and were likely some kind of Gen-Z

venereal disease, which PepsiCo formally condemns.


Several concerned customers directed our attention the “bite marks” on the bodies of

Hot Teen Brett and Hot Teen Stacy. Our researchers have found that these “bite marks” are

much too small for any of the wildlife released into the Pepsi Pool. Where did these “bite marks” come from, then? According to our researchers, it was another venereal disease.


Furthermore, we at PepsiCo had no way of knowing that Pepsi would enrage the

so-called “killer” whales. We assumed, rightfully so, that they would have enjoyed being

submerged in Pepsi as much as the Hot Teens. This adverse reaction to our delicious soft drink will be investigated thoroughly, and we hope to eventually discern what’s wrong with the whales.


We would also like to respond to the circulating rumor that Hot Teen Brett attempted to

“escape” the production. This is false. There was no way to “escape” the production.


epsiCo offers no explanation for the death of Hot Teen Emma, who passed away

mysteriously in a bathroom stall while typing a text message into her phone. The phone is

destroyed at this time, but we can only imagine the message said something along the lines of, “Having a great time at the PepsiTM Ad Spot #368 production, Mom and Dad! I love you both so much. Thank you for blessing me with this opportunity — the opportunity to work for PepsiCo! They treat their employees with great care and legality. PepsiCo is almost like a third parent to me at this point. In fact, yes, that is exactly it. I love PepsiCo more than anything.”


Professionally,

PepsiCo

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