The following are transcripts of emails from Ms. Jane Davidson, President of the Waltham Homeowners Association, on the following days:
January 3rd, 2020.
Friends and residents of Waltham, it has come to my attention that, over the last three months, there has been an unexpected surge in neighborhood raccoon activity. The Abramson, Lincoln, and Smith households have all spotted raccoons in and around their property. Please do not be alarmed. We remind you to securely dispose of your trash!
The Girl Scouts will be having their annual cookie sale next Thursday at nine. Yummy!
January 10th, 2020.
Friends and residents of Waltham, I’m super-duper excited to welcome Harper Kennedy and her husband to the neighborhood! We’ll be hosting a housewarming party in the Elementary School’s gymnasium this Saturday, so please RSVP if you’re interested. Bring some treats for her two beautiful baby boys!
The Waltham Homeowners Association has named Ms. Juliet Bell as its Treasurer. Be sure to congratulate her in our next meeting!
January 17th, 2020.
Friends and residents of Waltham, six more households have reported raccoons in and around their property since our last meeting. Although I’m sure this is nothing to worry about, we will be contacting an exterminator.
Tickets for the Waltham Elementary School’s performance of The Little Mermaid this Wednesday have been discounted by five dollars!
January 24th, 2020.
Friends and residents of Waltham, we have appealed to any exterminator within a fifty-mile radius, but none have responded just yet. You’ll get an email when they do, but while we wait, I am excited to announce the creation of the Waltham Homeowners Association Raccoon Council. Its members have enacted a preventative plan with great promise! I will return promptly with the results.
Waltham Buses have expanded their schedule to include late-night transportation.
January 31st, 2020.
Friends and residents of Waltham, with town elections coming up, be sure to reelect our lovely mayor! Remember, if you want to keep Waltham a safe, clean community: vote Republican!
The Waltham Republicans Society has organized a mayoral rally in the Elementary School this Friday. Children are welcome!
February 7th, 2020.
Friends and residents of Waltham, since our last meeting, the Raccoon Council voted to fasten elastic cords to all Waltham trash bins. I regret to inform you that the raccoons have gotten around these measures. My little Timmy can barely play on our cul-de-sac anymore because there are so many spilled trash cans! I await an audience with the mayor to discuss the next steps.
Waltham Garbage Disposal will no longer be operating.
February 14th, 2020.
Friends and residents of Waltham, almost twenty pounds of surgical equipment went missing during a transient power outage at the Waltham Community Hospital. The hospital’s administrators want to reaffirm that their state-of-the-art facilities ensure safety for all patients, and no one was harmed during this brief mishap. Don’t worry, because our property taxes will be a-okay!
The Waltham Police Department will begin patrols through and around the Hospital.
February 21st, 2020.
Friends and residents of Waltham, I regret to inform you that Ms. Juliet Bell has been removed from her position as Treasurer of the Waltham Homeowners Association. An internal investigation into possible embezzlement uncovered that a usurious amount of funds have been transferred into offshore accounts. Ms. Bell’s lawyers state that she was coerced, but cannot offer evidence supporting this claim at this time because it would somehow threaten her safety.
The mayor has been reelected in a landslide victory.
February 28th, 2020.
Friends and residents of Waltham, I am heartbroken to inform you that another transient power outage has occured at the Waltham Community Hospital. During the chaos, four police officers were gravely injured, and two newborns disappeared from the maternity ward. Forensic analysts from the Waltham Police Department are investigating the black pawprints found around the ward.
Please contact the Mayor’s Office if you have any information about the whereabouts of the missing children.
March 6th, 2020.
Friends and residents of Waltham, the Waltham Homeowners Association has decided to charge Ms. Juliet Bell with fraud. Ms. Harper Kennedy has volunteered to serve as the head juror.
The trial will be open to the public.
March 13th, 2020.
Friends and residents of Waltham, to ensure the protection of all Waltham citizens during this tenuous trial, the mayor has requested an increase in the armed police presence.
The Waltham Homeowners Association Treasury unanimously voted to raise property taxes to fund the police equipment.
March 20th, 2020.
Friends and residents of Waltham, Ms. Juliet Bell has been acquitted from all charges. The Waltham Homeowners Association would like to express its utter shock as to how such a blatant breach of justice can remain unpunished. Only Ms. Harper Kennedy voted to sentence Ms. Bell.
Please sign the attached petition to show your solidarity with Ms. Kennedy’s brave decision.
April 3rd, 2020.
Friends and residents of Waltham, I am utterly distraught to report that Ms. Harper Kennedy was murdered outside her home early this morning. The Waltham Homeowners Association Coroner’s Department reports that she was stabbed to death by scalpels from the Waltham Community Hospital. Security cameras from the Kennedy household captured six raccoons gathering beneath their patio one hour before the murder occured. Footage of the murder appears to have been erased from the tape’s memory.
The Waltham Homeowners Association has dispatched a police battalion to the Kennedy household.
April 10th, 2020.
Friends and residents of Waltham, raccoon sightings near the Waltham Elementary School have pushed the mayor to replace the Waltham Homeowners Association Raccoon Council with the Waltham Homeowners Association War Court.
The Waltham School District has cancelled classes until further notice.
April 17th, 2020.
Friends and residents of Waltham, fifteen more babies have disappeared from the Waltham Community Hospital. Zoning laws have been indefinitely suspended so we may dig a six-foot moat around the Waltham town limits.
The War Court has imposed a mandatory seven-o’clock curfew.
April 24th, 2020.
Friends and residents of Waltham, the War Court is pleased to report the arrest of twelve teenage delinquents who were found violating the curfew by loitering in the Chuck-E-Cheese parking lot. Their trial has been scheduled for two weeks from today. We remind parents that the Town of Waltham remains united in eliminating the raccoon threat and will not hesitate to silence any dissent.
The War Court has declared martial law.
May 1st, 2020.
Friends and residents of Waltham, the mayor has not been seen in three weeks. The War Court wishes to state that this is no cause for alarm, and graciously remind citizens that their First Amendment Rights have been revoked. We believe that the mayor has simply taken an unannounced vacation to Boston and will return shortly.
The twelve teenagers have been hanged for crimes against Waltham. There will be no funeral.
May 8th, 2020.
Friends and residents of Waltham, the raccoons have left a tattered note, signed by the mayor and splattered with blood, outside the War Court. While the note demands forty million dollars for the mayor’s safe return, the War Court refuses to negotiate with terrorists. We are currently investigating how the raccoons mastered language acquisition.
All men ages 18-26 will be drafted to fight the raccoons.
May 15th, 2020.
Friends and residents of Waltham, our reconnaissance has uncovered a raccoon stronghold in the gymnasium of the abandoned Waltham Elementary School. The War Court has ordered our recruits to charge at dawn.
Failure is not an option.
May 22nd, 2020.
Friends and residents of Waltham, it is with great sadness that I report our defeat at the hands of the raccoons. How the raccoons have mastered insurrectionist warfare is beyond all of us here at the Waltham Homeowners Association. Reports from the front indicate that the raccoons transformed the Elementary School’s playground into a minefield using grenades crafted from pencil sharpeners. A meeting has been arranged between the raccoon leadership and the War Court to negotiate the terms of Waltham’s surrender.
The United States Marine Corps has begun airlifting noncombatants from Waltham.
June 5th, 2020.
Friends and residents of Waltham, the Waltham Homeowners Association will now be reorganized into the First Society for the Betterment and Protection of Raccoons. Residents will have until the end of the month to vacate their homes so the raccoons may move in.
All remaining residents will be enslaved.
June 12th, 2020.
Friends and residents of Waltham, the Raccoons happily announce that the Waltham Homeowners Association is no longer a threat.
The raccoons will be having their annual trash sale next Thursday at nine. Yummy!