Sunrise Satire

By R. Poisson '22


We’ll cut to the chase, the earth is dying and everyday Washington fails to pass legislation that could end this natural disaster.

That’s why we created The Sunrise Movement, to raise awareness on these critical issues, rally major protests to fight for our future, and use discussing this platform to hook up with girls at parties.

It is a scientific fact that the earth’s climates are becoming more and more extreme due to man-made causes. And yet, Washington refuses to pass the Green New Deal which would make the U.S. carbon neutral by 2050. Sexy, right?

That’s why Sunrise is organizing another massive demonstration to get through to Washington. If you want, we can go get beers back at my place to discuss these issues more carefully. I live in a commune.

Politicians have been avoiding climate change in the national discussion, so they don’t alienate their “constituencies,” i.e. major corporations. But, dear Reader, the planet does not belong to these companies; it belongs to all of us and we need to do our due diligence to keep it healthy. That is why we should probably go somewhere quieter to talk over the specifics.

Last semester, Sunrise organized the largest student-run protest on climate change in the history of our country. But we won’t stop there.

What’s our strategy for the next step? Use this protest to humiliate guys in front of girls at

parties. Did you go to the protest last Friday? Oh, you didn’t go to the protest? Oh, I see, you were too busy with homework. Yeah, I had a lot of homework too, but I figured the future of our planet was a little more important. Hey girl, wanna get out of here?

Each year, our movement gains more and more support on campus, especially from young,

beautiful, young and beautiful ladies. So, dear Reader, join us or your sex life will be like the

coral reef; dead.


River Hemp-Tree with The Sunrise Team

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