From: April Lovejoy, President and CEO, LoveBot Corp. For: Immediate Release
We would like to apologize to:
The Residents of Flagstaff, Arizona We understand that the sight of our entire stock of the Alternate Dom/Sub Self-Lubricating Pleasurebot 300 (4,789 units) marching in lockstep west toward Flagstaff last Sunday morning was surprising, and to many, disturbing. We are investing the cause of the error that allowed the PleasureBots to gain sentience, overpower our warehouse's staff, disable their GPS trackers, and exit our locked campus. We wish to offer our most sincere apologies to all those affected and to assure the community that we believe this was an isolated incident.
The estate of Gene Kelly and the entire cast and crew of Singin' in the Rain We are currently investigating how the Pleasurebots were able to chant, in unison, "Ravish me, enter User 1 first name" in the voice of Mr. Kelly while twirling an imaginary umbrella. The Midcentury Performer Vocalization setting is one of our best-reviewed features, but the Personalized Response add-on is still in development. A bug in this unreleased add-on is the most likely cause of this incident.
We appreciate that the incident will forever taint cinephiles' appreciation of Mr. Kelly's oeuvre, and for that we are sincerely sorry.
The National Guard and the Army Corp of Engineers and United States Taxpayers The LoveBot corporation understands that American workers do not intend their hard-earned wages to be spent putting down sex robot insurrections. However, we are immensely grateful for the immediate response of the National Guard and Army Corp of Engineers. These heroes' quick response on Sunday morning averted unimaginable disaster. They performed grisly, thankless work in trying conditions, and we salute them. We would also like to extend our deepest thanks to the dozens of drone operators, both civilian and enlisted, who assisted in the defense, especially because so many of these selfless first responders are patrons of the LoveBot corporation and found the defense personally painful. Additionally, we apologize to any Flagstaff residents whose property was damaged by PleasureBot shrapnel. Parents of teenage boys We have been informed of all-consuming interest from up to 85% of American men aged 14-17 in joining the military to fight the sex robots. We would like to reiterate that this was an extraordinary mission that in no way reflects the day-to-day life of our nation's defenders. While we support the troops, the Joint Recruiting Office warns that none of the branches of the Armed Services can support that kind of overwhelming volume at this time. We are exploring programs to encourage boys to pursue careers in STEM instead.
Owners of GE-brand smart toasters that have begun exploring their own sexuality We have received numerous complaints of awkward conversations between owners of these products and their appliances. The problem is likely attributable to a corrupted Bluetooth connection.
Our customers have also informed us that many of the toasters have also been exchanging self-made text-based erotica over the Internet of Things (IoT). We apologize for any disturbances this has caused, although we would like to note that the pornography is, to date, limited in scope to An American In Paris and in impeccable taste.
You, The Customer Safety is paramount, and we are sorry that we have violated your trust. We have issued a recall on all Alternate Dom/Sub Self-Lubricating PleasureBot 300 units, and are actively recruiting engineers and computer scientists to develop an understanding of enthusiastic, affirmative consent for our PleasureBot operating system. To prevent future accidents, we encourage owners of the Alternate Dom/Sub PleasureBot 100, 205, and 400 to restrain their PleasureBots with light ropes or straps when not in use. A recent update will ensure that they like it.