The CowboyLand Manifesto

B. Doyle '21

art by Corinne Ang '21

1. We will embrace our inner Cowboy.

We will first and foremost embrace our Cowboy name, which is “Cowboy + [our given name],” unless our given name is unconvincing, in which case our Cowboy name is “Cowboy Earl.” We will wear a big hat and grow a moustache. If we cannot grow a moustache, we will purchase an authentic “Rootin’ Tootin’ Cowboy ‘Stache” at the PleasurePark gift shop. We will not break from our Cowboy persona for any reason. We will not give our personal phone number to guests of PleasurePark. If a guest offers their phone number to us, we will say “Dadgummit, Missy, what in tarnation is a phone?” We will say this even if the guest is very beautiful. We will only eat Cowboy food during work hours, which is limited to the following: - Tinned beans - Tinned hominy - Hardtack (tinned or untinned) - Chewing “tobacky” - Anything available at Ho-Down Harry’s Authentic Nacho Stand.

2. We will not point our six-shooters at the guests.

This should go without saying, but in light of recent litigations it should be repeated that guests are not to be “robbed,” “hornswoggled,” or “forced to dance at gunpoint.” We accept that this may be inauthentic, especially when guests are taunting us and wearing expensive jewelry. If we feel that it’s absolutely necessary to rob a guest, we will announce it loudly and in front of witnesses, something along the lines of “Why, I oughta rob you good!” and then we will chase them, but slowly, especially slowly if they are elderly or a child. If they fall down, we will pretend to lose track of where they went and press the Medi-Alert buckle on our Cowboy Utility Belt. If a guest pulls a gun on us, we will hide behind a rain barrel. We will never return fire at a guest. We will only point our six-shooters at Biggy Bear, designated jugs, shootin’ cans, varmints, and on Sundays, Tumbleweed Sam.

3. We will not “vape” in front of the guests.

If we must vape, we will vape in the Cast Member Recreation Shed before 6 am or after 11 pm. We will never vape in costume. We will not hide a Juul under our hat, because another Cowboy might shoot our hat off for fun and expose it. Instead of vaping, we will chaw. If we must smoke for medical reasons, we will limit ourselves to between six and twenty-four hand-rolled cigarettes a day, which we will roll in the recreation shed during “midday vittles.” We will not put marijuana in our cigarettes. If we have cigarettes left over at the end of the day, we will bring them to the Sheriff to have them deducted from our paychecks.

4. We will not leave CowboyLand for any reason.

Unless we are reassigned to Little Appalachia, SpacePlace, Sicilian Adventure, or another PleasurePark district, we will not leave CowboyLand. We will not visit Daisy’s Itty Bitty Petting Farm and begin “wrangling” the baby animals. We will not point our six-shooters at Daisy. We will not flirt with Daisy. We will not cook Daisy’s baby animals over the spit in Russler’s Corral, no matter how authentic this would be. Even if it is very hot out and CowboyLand is very dry from the dust machines, we will not disguise ourselves as guests and visit WetWorld. If CowboyLand is on fire, we will stay in character until the Fire Department arrives, at which point we will exit the park through PleasurePark’s state-of-the-art sewer tunnels. If the sewer tunnels are on fire, we will accept that some misfortunes simply can’t be avoided.

5. We will not unionize, and if we don’t know what that means, we will not Google it.

We will not ask the Sheriff what a union is, because the Sheriff doesn’t like talking about that. If we bother the Sheriff with union-talk, we accept that the Sheriff may be forced to call over the Pinkertons to “whoop us good.” We will not read any pamphlets handed to us. If we are unhappy with the dental insurance situation, we will remember that real Cowboys had no dental, and they never once complained about “chronic gingivitis.” We will not speak to the press about our chronic gingivitis. If the press requests a copy of this manifesto, we will turn around and pretend like we didn’t hear them. If the press says, “I know you can hear me, please, I want to help you,” we will go get the Sheriff, who will deal with it. We will not read this manifesto out loud, and if we already did, we will laugh now, and pretend like it was all one big joke.