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The Mitochondria Is Tired

By W. Halsted '23

Art by J. Ruggiero '22

A picture? Of course! Lemme hop on the slide. Here’s my good cristae! Another for your mom? Oh, she’s on the lens? Hi there, mom! Just to let you know, your daughter is wonderful; if my daughters were half as sweet, you’d call me glycogen! Did you like that one? I’ve got more. What do you — oh, you don’t want to hear it? Do I have any thoughts about what? Oh, right. You know, I can play more than just a “powerhouse.” ATP was one of my earlier works. I’d love to talk about something else, if we could. It’s not like I have my own DNA. Do you know how many organelles get DNA each epoch? Ribosome hasn’t even been nominated for DNA, and everyone thought translation was the best thing since transcription. No, I haven’t forgotten that Chloroplast has DNA. Or proteins. What a conceited ass-wipe. Mitosis- obsessed dick lets any light that touches his photosystem ride his electron transport train. He said chlorophyll was more productive than me. And then I come home to Cytoplasm to find Chloroplast inside her membrane? Funny, how those things get lost. What did you say? No, I am not jealous. No, I don’t miss her. Some symbioses just don’t… can we talk about me? Did you know that I divide separately from — who said that? No. I heard it. Who said it? So that’s all you think I am? You know what, fuck you. No, you’re not sorry. And fuck the rest of you. You all thought it. I have feelings too, you know. Being reduced to that doesn’t make me feel great. How would you feel if all the organelles called you a “test- tube jackass?” Yeah, I thought so. Are you crying? Oh, grow up. You don’t get to cry. I couldn’t even consent to this whole endosymbiosis thing. I was only two billion years old. It’s vile. Do you know how many times I’ve tried to tell Nucleus that I want to take a break? But no, I can’t, because I’m the powerhouse. Why are you laughing? Have you seen bacteria? Glycolysis works just fine. Greedy fucker just wants more energy. Fuck this, I’m trying improv comedy. Maybe I’ll come back when I’m appreciated more.

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