Things That Aren't Fair in War

By O. Rousseau '21

Art by E. Yang '20


They’re Too Good

I mean, come on. At least give us a handicap like in golf or something, we’re getting murdered out there!


It’s Too Hard

I’m tired, and it’s hot, and I’ve got sand in my cot. I don’t wanna fight anymore if this is how it’s gonna be.


This Wasn’t My Idea

So the president can say “this is war” but then he just gets to chill in a cool office? With catered lunches and everything? Oh, and a really pretty and smart wife? Not cool.


Private Henry’s Wife Sends Him More Letters Than Mine Sends Me

I want her to stop sending letters. Or just to stop sending them to him and not me. Do something.


Certainly Not Henry’s Wife

She’s very fair. Both in the color of her hair and in the “she’s a total babe” kinda way. Real nice. 9 out of 10.


Being Shot in the Chest, Repeatedly, on a Daily Basis

This sucks and I never asked for it. Blood goes everywhere, the on-site doctor is a man (ugly), and one time my calf slipped right off the bone into my hand because the bullet strayed and hit a tendon. Fucking pissed blood everywhere, man.

Great, now that all the “sensitive types” have been weeded out, let’s talk about this Henry’s wife thing.


Okay, So Private Henry, Right?

Look at this picture of my wife. Meh, right? And then his wife… It’s just not a fair fight. No, I know that I love her, okay? That’s not the point. I’m just thinking… it’s the war… people go home in a box all the time… and then, who cares for the widows? I’m up for it. I can do that.

Like, I get that he’s really good at war and everything, but why does that mean he gets the hotter wife? Do you think if I killed more people my wife would be hotter? Please get back to me ASAP at ihaveanaveragewife@gmail.com.

What do you mean “how did I get that picture”?


And One More Thi—

Oh, Shauna… What are you doing here? No, I’m very happy to see you! Yes I do appreciate you coming all the way to Afghanistan for me. How was your what was that? You’ve been here how long? Wait, hold that thought. Are you the only wife visiting today? So you don’t know if Private Henry’s wife is also here, then? Why aren’t you answering me? Why are you crying?

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