Top 5 Video Games to Play While Your Home is Leveled by Jeff Bezos and his Battalion of Drones

D. Rebman '22


1. Minecraft

An oldie, but a goodie. Lauded for its free and immersive gameplay, Minecraft allows the player to dig their own destiny – just stay away from those pesky creepers! As you tunnel deep into the earth in search of rare and valuable diamonds, the ethereal chimes of Minecraft’s mellow soundtrack will nearly mask the noise of Jeff Bezos shattering your living room windows with a 365 Everyday Value crowbar. $19.99 on PS4 and XBOX One on Amazon.


2. Borderlands 2

Borderlands’ charm lies in its ability to prepare you for a future pillaged by corporations who

hold more power than the government. Handsome Jack stars as its main antagonist and the

proprietor of Hyperion Corporation, and by extension, your home planet Pandora. Better get used to that! You see, it’s not just your home that Jeff Bezos is currently razing to erect an Amazon brand high-capacity housing unit; it’s your entire state. On the bright side, your

governor is guaranteed an executive level position at one of Amazon’s over 40 subsidiaries.

$2.99 pre-owned for PS3 and XBOX 360 on Amazon.


3. AdVenture Capitalist

If you can’t beat ‘em (to be clear, you absolutely can not beat them), join ‘em. Jeff Bezos has

ripped out all your electrical wiring with his bare hands, which is why this mobile game is a great addition to this list. AdVenture Capitalist starts you out as the proprietor of a humble lemonade stand before you quickly ascend the corporate ladder to a full blown, interplanetary tycoon. Just like real capitalism, there’s no luck to this game – just hard work, skill, and ingenuity as you tap on the screen to reap your profits. It’s so easy you’ll wonder why you never became a billionaire in real life! The question almost goes unanswered until Jeff Bezos floats by on his drones to say, “You’ve let people roll over you your entire life, Drake, and now you’ll roll over for me.” Free on Steam and the App Store (coming soon to Amazon).


4. Call of Duty: Black Ops

It’s nearly impossible to wrap your inconsequential head around the sheer power of America’s ever-expanding plutocracy, so don’t even try. As Jeff Bezos rides around on his drones spending less than .01% of his income on bribes for local police officers to ensure that your rights are completely void, instead, let yourself escape into a glorious, simple era when you could point to America’s enemies on a map. $10 used for PS3 and XBOX 360 on Amazon.


5. Fallout: New Vegas

There aren’t any gimmicks to this game about your relationship to the burgeoning corporate

state. Fallout: New Vegas is on the list because it’s the best game I’ve ever played, and since

the rest of your life will be spent working, eating, and sleeping in one of Amazon’s Innovation

Camps, you might as well spend your last bit of free time enjoying the rich storyline of FNV while you still have the capacity to make choices. Now, don’t resist as Jeff Bezos grabs your collar, drags you out of the waste that was your home, and shoves you in the back of an eighteen wheeler. Eyes wide as saucers look back you from the gloom. Is that Mrs. Frost? It is. They’re your neighbors. “Do you know where we’re going?” You don’t. $10.99 used for XBOX 360 on Amazon.

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