Valentine's Day Gift Ideas

For a happy relationship:

  • A romantic staycation. While fancy schmancy trips are fun, so is seeing your home in a different light. Spice things up with candles, rose petals, and a home-cooked meal. Bonus points if you bring home strawberries, chocolate syrup, and whipped cream for dessert ;)

  • A coupon for a massage. You know how hard she works all day and really just want to treat and pamper her.

  • A book about exploring threesomes and open relationships. Now that you guys are stable, maybe it’s time to explore sharing the wealth

  • A photobook of your most loving moments together. Documenting your relationship is a must, and the book will be a wonderful keepsake for your children and grandchildren!

  • A sex toy. Heat things up in the bedroom by choosing one that stimulates you both!

  • Alternatively, missionary sex. Looking into her eyes and giving her your body and your soul is the best gift you could ever give.



For a dying relationship:

  • A romantic staycation. She wouldn’t be able to tell the difference between 7-Eleven sushi and authentic Japanese sushi anyway. Besides, do you really want to go on vacation together and pay $1000 to bicker when you could just bicker at home?

  • A coupon for a massage. Because you would rather pay a stranger $125 to rub her for an hour than do it yourself.

  • A book about exploring threesomes and open relationships. So she can screw Chad while you can screw her cute work friend, Molly.

  • A photobook of your most loving moments together. Nothing says “will you please, please break up with me already” like her seeing herself 50lbs lighter and smiling. Remember when she used to get on top?

  • A sex toy. If she doesn’t like how you do it she can just do it her goddamn self.

  • Alternatively, missionary sex. Quick, easy, no eye contact.

Recent Posts

See All

A Eulogy

By D. Herrnstadt '24 We gather here today to mourn the passing of God. When He died quietly in a sleep-like state last Thursday, and the entire universe began collapsing in on itself, and all life sta

Urgent Update From CHEM0100

By J. Kaiserman '23 Dear students, As you may know, Professor Schwann resigned from the University this morning. I realize that this sudden announcement may come as a surprise. Professor Schwann was a