By F. Bauer '23
Dear lonely souls and potential suitors,
With another solitary Valentine’s Day come and gone (and another tub of ice cream come and gone), I’ve begun to lose hope that I might find my ideal man. I know it can’t be my fault. I’ve met forty-eight guys online, but I haven’t found anyone who can cherish me like I know I deserve. But I just can’t go to another wedding alone. The contagious smile that each of my friends has when they marry their soulmate — and I love them, you know? — makes me want to carve “Just Hitched” in their back with a rusty harrow.
Anyway, I’ve attached a list of what I’m looking for in a boyfriend below. If this describes you, don’t hesitate to email me at firstname.lastname@example.org. Serious applicants only.
Is a good listener. I have a lot of baggage.
Hates kids. Can’t stand them.
Is Jewish. My mother wants a Jewish wedding.
Works a stable job. Something in finance — maybe an insurance agent?
Lives somewhere foreign. Call me your liebling, my Bohemian darling.
Has a horrendous relationship with his father. I want daddy issues and sexual frustration.
Can play an instrument. I’d prefer violin, and I’m not willing to settle.
Has tuberculosis. There’s no bigger turn-on than a fatal respiratory infection.
Demands that I burn his writings. I appreciate some mystery.
Despises the eternally churning cogs of modern, inaccessible bureaucracies. I know what crime I’ve committed — falling in love with you.
Awakens one morning from unsettling dreams and finds himself transformed into a monstrous insect. Morning sex is overrated anyway.
Is Franz Kafka. I don’t care if you’re dead. Please. I need you, Franz.