3 minI Would Like to Apologize for Calling the Founder of PoorPeopleMustDie.com a #GIRLBOSSBy O. Ryan '23 I would like to offer my sincere apologies for tweeting that the founder of poorpeoplemustdie.com is a “#GIRLBOSS.” In the...
2 minA EulogyBy D. Herrnstadt '24 We gather here today to mourn the passing of God. When He died quietly in a sleep-like state last Thursday, and the...
3 minUrgent Update From CHEM0100By J. Kaiserman '23 Dear students, As you may know, Professor Schwann resigned from the University this morning. I realize that this...
1 minThe Quarantini and Other Cocktails for the Early Days of the COVID-19 PandemicBy O. Rousseau ‘21 The Quarantini Shaken or stir-crazy 1 part gin 1 part vermouth Served in a 6ft tall glass The “We’re All...
2 minHelpful Phrases for Patiently Communicating the Experience of Being on CrutchesBy J. Ecker MAT ‘21 Um excuse me, the door isn’t going to open itself. Yep, a week later and it’s still broken. Shocking, I know. You’re...
4 minThe Advice Column of His Lordship the Duke of Lustonshire By O. Ryan '23 Note: All serf’s writings transcribed by members of the manor’s monastery Dearest His Lordship, My son hath declared a...
2 minCNN Anchor John King’s Election Coverage Sign-OnsBy D. Herrnstadt '24 10/3, 7:00 p.m.: I’m John King with CNN, and this is the Race to 270. 10/3, 7:30 p.m.: I’m John King with CNN, and...
2 min16 Jokes About Secretary of the Treasury Steve MnuchinBy J. Marglous '21 Steve Mnuchin always looks a little uncomfortable, like he stepped in gum or accidentally smelled a poor person. Steve...
1 minWhat I'm Looking for in a BoyfriendBy F. Bauer '23 Dear lonely souls and potential suitors, With another solitary Valentine’s Day come and gone (and another tub of ice...
1 minThings My Poor Mother, Bless Her Heart, Has Been Lied to AboutBy O. Rousseau '21 A Manifesto My mother has been lied to about: Essential oils (which do not make me feel any less anxious) The...
4 minModern FeminismBy D. Herrnstadt '24 Raising a Strong Young Woman in the 21st century is the hardest, most rewarding job in the world. I’m a single...
1 minStudy Titles Pending Departmental ReviewBy O. Rousseau '21 You Can Dance, You Can Jive, Halving the Time of Your Life: Sobering Evidence from Liver Damage Testing in 18-25...
6 minThe Squid Called OliviaBy J. Kaiserman '23 The following is a portion of the court stenographer’s report in the murder trial of Dr. James P. Clarke, M.D.: —...
2 minWaltham Women’s Society Bakesale ListBy I. Jacobs '23 Alright Ladies! It’s time for the annual Women’s Society Bake sale. I know everyone’s always excited to make their...
3 minDear ReaderBy J. Marglous '21 Dear Reader, It is with heavy hearts that we inform you of the passing of one of our longtime contributors, Benjamin...
2 minGuidelines for Catholic School Sex EdBy O. Ryan '23 It is very important for the principal to choose the right sex ed teacher. The principal should first ask among the clergy...
3 minFive Fun Facts with Webbins, the Old Man Who Cleans the Webs up After Spider-ManBy Alumnus Charlie Stewart '20 You can call me Webbins. Most folks don’t know my name, and I like to keep it like that. You see, I work...
1 minCatfishing ShakespeareBy J. Kaiserman '23 Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? Though ‘neath these blaring notes and flashing bulbs My pen writes air. Thy...
3 minThe Ending to The Great Gatsby By the Guy Who Directed John Wick (T.E.T.T.G.G.B.T.G.W.D.J.W.)By R. Poisson '22 EXT. GATSBY’S POOL - DAY GATSBY emerges from the water and makes his way up the pool ladder. Off camera, a phone rings....
4 minMeet My Camper, Philip RothBy D. Rebman '22 In the dry, American summer of 1946 I worked as a summer camp counselor in Newark, New Jersey. My little place of work...
