The Archive

By O. Ryan '23 I would like to offer my sincere apologies for tweeting that the founder of poorpeoplemustdie.com is a “#GIRLBOSS.” In the...

By D. Herrnstadt '24 We gather here today to mourn the passing of God. When He died quietly in a sleep-like state last Thursday, and the...

By J. Kaiserman '23 Dear students, As you may know, Professor Schwann resigned from the University this morning. I realize that this...

By O. Rousseau ‘21 The Quarantini Shaken or stir-crazy 1 part gin 1 part vermouth Served in a 6ft tall glass The “We’re All...

By J. Ecker MAT ‘21 Um excuse me, the door isn’t going to open itself. Yep, a week later and it’s still broken. Shocking, I know. You’re...

By O. Ryan '23 Note: All serf’s writings transcribed by members of the manor’s monastery Dearest His Lordship, My son hath declared a...

By D. Herrnstadt '24 10/3, 7:00 p.m.: I’m John King with CNN, and this is the Race to 270. 10/3, 7:30 p.m.: I’m John King with CNN, and...

By J. Marglous '21 Steve Mnuchin always looks a little uncomfortable, like he stepped in gum or accidentally smelled a poor person. Steve...

by J. Kaiserman '23

By F. Bauer '23 Dear lonely souls and potential suitors, With another solitary Valentine’s Day come and gone (and another tub of ice...

By O. Rousseau '21 A Manifesto My mother has been lied to about: Essential oils (which do not make me feel any less anxious) The...

By D. Herrnstadt '24 Raising a Strong Young Woman in the 21st century is the hardest, most rewarding job in the world. I’m a single...

By O. Rousseau '21 You Can Dance, You Can Jive, Halving the Time of Your Life: Sobering Evidence from Liver Damage Testing in 18-25...

By J. Kaiserman '23 The following is a portion of the court stenographer’s report in the murder trial of Dr. James P. Clarke, M.D.: —...

By I. Jacobs '23 Alright Ladies! It’s time for the annual Women’s Society Bake sale. I know everyone’s always excited to make their...

By J. Marglous '21 Dear Reader, It is with heavy hearts that we inform you of the passing of one of our longtime contributors, Benjamin...

By O. Ryan '23 It is very important for the principal to choose the right sex ed teacher. The principal should first ask among the clergy...

By Alumnus Charlie Stewart '20 You can call me Webbins. Most folks don’t know my name, and I like to keep it like that. You see, I work...

By J. Kaiserman '23 Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? Though ‘neath these blaring notes and flashing bulbs My pen writes air. Thy...

By R. Poisson '22 EXT. GATSBY’S POOL - DAY GATSBY emerges from the water and makes his way up the pool ladder. Off camera, a phone rings....

By D. Rebman '22 In the dry, American summer of 1946 I worked as a summer camp counselor in Newark, New Jersey. My little place of work...