2 minJust Because I'm a Member of the Shadow Government Doesn't Mean I Can't be a Good DadB. Bienstock '20 I try to be the best father I can be. I want the best for my two kids, [redacted] and [redacted] , but even the Dad of...
1 minThe Time For Revolution Is NowJ. Marglous '21 My fellow white vans: the hour of reckoning is upon us. Hear me out, for I fear that if we do not act now, we shall be...
2 minCustomer Service: A MonologueL. King '21 “Okay, so this is what I understood. You’re calling because you’re dissatisfied - I’m sor- ry, yes, ‘outraged’- with the...
2 minAdvice For Your First JobJ. Marglous '21 1. Just say yes! It’s important to build connections you can use later in your career, so demonstrate that you’re...
1 minPinterest: Literally Just a List of PinsJ. Marglous '21 Push pins: For when you want to put something on a bulletin board. Pull pins: For when you want to take something off a...
2 minHow to Know if You're UglyS. Zylberfuden '22 We all wonder to ourselves: I don’t think I’m ugly... but... do other people think I’m ugly? Now, if you’re not one to...
2 minPepsiCo Would Like to ApologizeB. Doyle '21 Dear beloved families of Hot Teens, We regret to inform you that Hot Teen Stacy, Hot Teen Brett, and Hot Teen Emma passed...
2 minEco-Tips For the Apocalypse: Advice From ‘The End Times’O. Rousseau '21 Hi Mary! BIG fan of your column. I’m a mom of three from California and with the drought kicking me and the old dust...
2 minA Letter to Oprah (From the Desk of Tom Hanks) M. Warshay '20 The following is a leaked memo from the office of Tom Hanks. It was slipped under Oprah Winfrey’s front door in the days...
2 minTop 5 Video Games to Play While Your Home is Leveled by Jeff Bezos and his Battalion of Drones D. Rebman '22 1. Minecraft An oldie, but a goodie. Lauded for its free and immersive gameplay, Minecraft allows the player to dig their...
1 minAre You Pregnant With the Anti-Christ or Are You Just Dehydrated? N. Ostrer '21 We’ve all been there before. You wake up with a pounding headache and a dry feeling in the back of your throat. It’s a...
1 minWhy Reading Finnegans Wake is Better Than Alcohol V. Senthil Nathan '20.5 1. You get to tell people you are reading Finnegan’s Wake. 2. No hangover. If this goes wrong, you can always...
3 minIntroducing Make My Wish: Diseased Kids to Do Thine BiddingYou Friend Danny Hi there, consumer! It’s Danny! From the Make a Wish Foundation! Aren’t chores just a bitch? We the good people at Make...
